I DARE YOU TO CLICK IT.

Also, as of late, I’ve been using this rather than WordPress.

And while we’re on the topic, here are the top albums to inhabit my CD player this season:

The Open Door EP by Death Cab for Cutie

All I Ever Wanted by Kelly Clarkson

Only By the Night by Kings of Leon

This entire post shows just how much of a white person I am. Anyway, for the past three months I’ve been avoiding trying to complete the lengthy ‘Most Influential Albums of Your Life and Why’ blog, so maybe that will get done soon. Maybe.

1. To have Gabrielle Christian be my BFF.
I feel like no explanation is really needed.

2. The perfect job.
I would like some sort of career in which I can travel, [legally] cut people open, drink gratuitous amounts of grain alcohol and ICEEs, write some sort of funniness, stalk people, make dumb videos and cartoons, wear cardigans, and get paid handsomely in assloads of cash, so much so that I could hire people to clean each bill of said assloads.

3. A personal typist.
This would not be just your ordinary secretary. She would record everything I dictated to her 24/7. Writing a comedic memoir would be so mush easier this way. Maybe Gabrielle Christian could be the typist…?

4. A time machine.
I’m not talking about some shitty DeLorean. I mean an actual time traveling device. It’d probably come with custom solid gold 22s. Ballin!

5. A filet mignon so large that it could forever end world hunger for all the starving children around the globe.
…but bitches ain’t gettin’ any! Shoot, nigga, I’ma eat dat shit UP. Its freshness would have to be timeproof, etc. and I’d need several barrels of A1. Basically, what I’m getting at is that I’d like a really good steak every day for the rest of my life.

Well, there’s that. Feel free to post your own list as long as it’s not boring as hell like all the rest of them.

1. I didn’t go to my sociology class.
What? My bed felt extra warm and snuggly this morning! I just couldn’t bear to get up. Okay, I have no good defense. I just didn’t go, and guess what they did in class; WATCHED A MOVIE. I wasted an absence on a film day. FML.

2. Perhaps I spoke too soon about The Color Purple.
We finished screening it at the beginning of class today, and it was actually really well done. So I was wrong. Big deal. But still! The message of the film was completely different from the book. I know that we’re supposed to evaluate the adjustments in relation to the director’s own ‘textual intent’ but I still say boo. Okay, so maybe I teared up a few times…

3. I spilled Cherry Coke all over the floor of the food court.
The janitor who talks like a woman, has a mental disability [I think], and always gets too close for comfort while I’m waiting for a bean burrito had to mop it up. I felt really bad. Sorry! I did get a good view of the inner workings of the ICEE machine, though. I can’t wait to own one!

4. The flowers have bloomed.
Sure they’re pretty, blah blah blah, but I can’t breathe! I shall be McSneezy the Weezy all weekend. And my car has a super thick, super nasty coating of pollen all over it. It needs to be washed so badly, but I’m leaving it on campus this weekend, and I’m certainly not going to pay to have it done.

5. My dad called and told me not to bring booze on the plane.
I’m flying home this weekend [since it's fast and free] so that I can both see and film Unplugged from Love Circle. It better be freaking EPIC. I still have to figure out how to tie it into Mad Liberty assuming that the footage is cool enough to be worth fitting in. Also, I’m hoping to finally draw up the Jai Ho! storyboards while on the plane. I want it to be hilarious, AND IT SHALL. Anyway, I called my dad to check the flights while he was at work, and he asked why I was coming home. When I told him that we would be watching from Love Circle, he gave me the whole ‘no one goes to Love Circle unless they’re smoking pot or having gay sex’ talk again. Okay, so I’ve seen [and even been with] people smoking there but gay sex? At Love Circle? That must have been an 80s thing. Come on, Dad. Give it a rest. I think he only does it for the lols now. Oh, so then he called back like ten minutes later and was like, “Don’t try to get alcohol onto the plane. They might strip you of your flying privileges.” I think all my parents know about me is that I’m an alcoholic. But not really. No, really.

6. I will be the bearer of no one’s grandchildren.
My mom still says things about me having kids one day even though I flat out tell her that it will never happen. Unless, of course, they find out how to make a child from a single person’s DNA. I want clone children, muahahaha! No, but really. Not even to start an Aryan army or anything. I’m just really narcissistic, and I don’t trust sperm. Last weekend, my grandmother asked if I was pregnant because I was hungover and she still hasn’t found all of the liquor bottles in the basement. I told her [and Mom] that MSG2 is far more likely to get preggers than me…and he’s devoid of a uterus. She actually replied, “I know.” Love it.

7. I have a paper due in eleven hours.
Have not started. I have to evaluate cartoons for it. I’m excited.

9. I bought a pizza?
I don’t even like pizza, but I randomly felt compelled to leave and get food off campus. While driving around in my pollen mobile car, I saw a huge billboard for those Little Caesar’s Hot ‘N Ready pizzas for $5. I felt all drugged and brain-washed. “Must. Have. Shitty. Pizza.” *tire squeal* Speaking of squealing, when I was loading up my car last Sunday to drive back to school, there was a giant pig on the porch…? I don’t understand why there are always random farm animals in our yard that aren’t ours. WTF. I hate them all.

10. Sarah = not Sarah.
I found out today that I’ve been calling my Film & Fiction partner the wrong name all semester. Major lols/facepalm. Today in class the professor called her by her real name, and I kind of looked between them with a ‘WTF is he talking about? He’s so dumb!’ face. Then I whispered some lame joke about it to her, and she was like, “That’s my name.” I could have died. I wonder why she never corrected me…? I guess because she’s really quiet and shy. I feel terrible! Every time I see her, I’m like, “Saraaaaaaaaaaaah! WHAT UP?!” At least now I know why she always looks confused when we talk. No wonder I couldn’t find her on Facebook so that I could stalk her.

BONUS: I couldn’t give blood.
[This is a bonus because I want to leave the count at ten, but I can't leave this out.] Okay, I KNOW that I can’t give blood, but I’ve always really wanted to so I try every year. Since I don’t mind needles and actually like watching the blood go through the tube because I am the biggest creep ever I figure that I should at least try. Today when the lady was like, “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re not going to be able to donate this year because YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IRON IN YOUR BODY. You should probably see a doctor, blah blah blah…” I was just kind of, “Oh, still?” Then she gave me this bitchy ‘why the fuck are you wasting my time if you know you’re anemic’ look…so I stole an Oatmeal Cream Pie on the way out of the donation RV thingy. HOW YOU LIKE MY BLOOD NOW, BITCHES?!

So, I suppose that it should have been a shitty day…but it wasn’t! I quite liked it.

 1. Why do I dress like a cartoon character?
I mean, it’s not that I look like a cartoon character. It’s just that I wear a different color cardigan with different color skinny jeans every day. Once on an episode of Doug, he opened his closet to reveal like twelve of the exact same outfit that he always wears. At age eight, I thought that that was comedy gold, and you know what? I still do.

2. Why did my school decide that it was okay to shut the water off for an entire night?
Seriously, WTF. There’s no water in any of the dorms or the university center because they’re rebuilding one of the fountains tonight? I’d love to shower, but how the fuck am I even supposed to accomplish the bare hygienic minimum of brushing my teeth? Why wasn’t this done last week when all of the students were gone for Spring Break? And why does no one else seem as pissed about it? FU, SU!

3. Why is there a scratch on my Handycam?
It’s not huge or anything, but still disappointing. Bkg, I think it was the disabled veteran from SD09.

4. Why does my computer keep freezing every time I try to overlap sound clips or trim video files?
I’m never going to finish Mad Liberty if I don’t get better software. I need a new job.

5. Why did I just find my passport inside a box of taffy from the Smoky Mountains?
…

6. Where are my cerulean and lime green checkered Vans?
This is freaking serious. Will die without.

7. Why’d you let me down again, Spielberg?
Today in Film & Fiction we did a screening of The Color Purple after having read the book by Alice Walker before SB. The lesbian relationship between Celie and Shug [perhaps the most important relationship in the entire book] was SO downplayed. Don’t get me wrong; I definitely didn’t want to see action between Whoopi Goldberg and Margaret Avery, but their relationship -physical and emotional- was so essential to Celie’s self-discovery and the development of her ownership of herself that without it, I felt that the entire point was lost. I mean, obvs this movie was made mid-eighties, blah blah blah, but come on. Thursday when we discuss it in class I’m sure that I will be pegged [once again] as the cynical, cardigan-wearing, Catholic [ha!] lesbian who’s pissed because she accidentally left her Tina Fey glasses at home. I love Baptist school!

8. Why does my RA think that it’s alright to be all up in my shizz?
She randomly came in and messed with everything on my bookshelf. O HAI, BTCH. Then she laughed for [literally] about five whole minutes because I keep my A1 sauce directly next to my Very Sexy perfume from Victoria’s Secret. WTF have you been? OLD JOKE. GTFO of my room. Kthxbye.

9. Am I seriously going to have a scar from my mystery UT burn?
UPDATE: I still don’t know WTF the burn on my thumb came from. I’ve made the incredibly [and painfully] long drive to Knoxville several times this semester, and once [I can't remember which time] I woke up with what looked like a cigarette burn at the base of my thumb…but I wasn’t around ANYONE who smokes. Of course, I don’t remember much of the night so who knows. I think that it was the same time I was afraid to sleep in the bed with Buddy because I was convinced that he would wake up and beat me. Major lolz. Anyway, I Neosporined the HELL out of it for weeks, but now I have a little pink circle there. It looks like a dimple. Upsetting.

10. Why am I Hgg?
Of course I know why I’m Hgg…because Hbb has been there since we were five! But why isn’t she Hbb nearly to the extent that I am Hgg? The world may never know.

None of this made sense. Or cents. Or dollars, for that matter.

1. Hanson Secrets
Oh my God. Post Secret + Hanson? Most ridiculous thing I have ever seen [in the past two days] by far. I can’t stop reading them. It’s like a horrible, horrible car crash. How do people come up with hundreds upon hundreds of secrets about the freaking Hanson brothers? I still can’t believe that I walked a mile with them. Most random day. Why won’t they go away?

2. My deejaying career
I am the most ridiculous deejay to have ever existed. While mixing Love Lockdown with L’ Ete Indien, I threw croissants into the croud. No one got that I was trying to enhance the French experience. I need want these. My laptop is going to catch on fire. I wish that under 18s were allowed into Club 207 because I’d love to set up a little row of babies going across the DJ stand. They would each have a tiny pair of Ray Bans. Maybe I can get fake babies…? I don’t know. I just think that babies aren’t used as decorations frequently enough. I know that To Kool Chris would agree so don’t hate. I should probably also invest in a neon construction worker vest and Persian kittens.

3. I Love You, Man
So, I expected I Love You, Man to be funny considering that it stars both Jason Segel and Paul Rudd [and who doesn't love Rashida Jones?!] but director John Hamburg has always been a little FAIL-ish for me personally. I’m not a huge fan of the Meet the Parents stuff…I mean, both of the movies have their funny parts, but for the most part, they are pretty weak. I Love You, Man however, was AWESOME. Total win. It was funny the entire way through with an actually good plot and likable/entertaining characters. Had protagonist Peter Klaven been played by Ben Stiller instead of Paul Rudd, the film probably would’ve blown hardcore. Anyways, very funny movie. Go see it.

4. America
F our lives.

5. Food Lion’s [aka Lion Food's] parking lot
On the Saturday night run to Food Lion with Abby ‘Rachel from Illinois’ [also lol worthy] I randomly spotted a SAWED OFF SHOTGUN in the parking lot. WTF, Food Lion? New dumping grounds for murder weapons?? OOC. Seriously. I mean, it’s not even ghetto or anything! Then Sunday night I had the misfortune of returning to Food Lion, and some drunk dude ran out of the Mexican restaurant there and literally chased my car through the parking lot. Double WTF. Then I had to slam on my brakes and he hit the back of my car. Haaaaha. Get your shit together, Food Lion! I don’t know why ‘Rachel’ insists on going there. It’s such a creepy place.

All I Ever FREAKING Wanted

So hello, everyone who is reading this blog. Several days ago, Kelly Clarkson eleased her fourth studio album All I Ever Wanted, and I am PUMPED AS HELL. Today i came homefor sSpring Break and it was on my bed form Amazon where I preodered like two months ago. IT’S FREAKING RIGHTEOUS I AM LISTENING TO IT RIGHT NOW. I have been listenign many times and I love it. I will even admit that I teared up listening to several tracks, especially ones that could particularly relate to Spashley. LOVEIT.

1. Canada is trying to kill me.

Today I was driving home from college just minding my own business listening to Spice World soundtrack (oh my gosh, so good!) and this big ginormous Buik comes over and almost slams into me! So I’m all “AH!’ and am like honking and crazy and I DRIVE ONTO THE GRASS MEDIAN!! Normal crazy old man? NO. Canadian crazy old man with Ontario plates! LEAVE Britney and me alone, please.

B. I miss Spice Girls.

In first grade, my best friend and I were obsessed with the Spice Girls. My mom made me throw away my poster of them because they looked like trampy tramps. I LOVE TRAMPY TRAMPS! Then my best friend made her Barbies have sex, and I wasn’t down with that. Scarred me for life. Then she moved away. Still scarred for life, but no mroe Barbie sex.

Next. Okay, so Already Gone is playing from Kelly’s new CD.

AND it’s so sad! I KNOW that this song was written about Ashley leaving Spencer. Ugh, depressing. Scary ladies on TV right now because we are going to see Tropic Thunder?! JUNGLE LIGHTNING.

8. Meghan doesn’t BELIEVE

IN the English people. They are real as HELL so you better watch out, NOLA. Britney Spears. I will tell her later. And once in Britain-land, all of the sheep ate all of the grass until no more existed. Then There was just dirt everywhere. INDIANS COULD NOT PLANT CORN. Yo, John Smitth, who you gonna be bangin NOW?!

9. RIHANNA

WTF are you doing, HO?! Our names are similar, so you cannot make us look bad! I can’t believe you took that little punk back except I bet you are being paid to save his pathetic career. How am I supposed to breathe with no air? YOU AIN’T, BITCH.

10. MSG2 is my brother

And he says I have a ‘gay’ voicemail. F that, I don’t even care. He looks like the Joker in real life. CREEP!!

11. tODAY AT 8AM I QUIT LATIN FOREVER

BLAH BLAH BLAH, I love Rocky Horror Picture show, I can’t ever like Caesar and Hannibal and passive participles!

12. Sheep smiley on MSN Live

Best emoticon e’ver of my life. I liek the snail too and the black person giving a hug. The white one is not as enthusiastic, sorry.

13. Kelly Clarkson

Is still singing and I love this CD.

14. OUR PIZZA WAS LATE AS HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Papa J’s let us down but there is so much pizza I don;t even know how to handle this craziness. Help times!

15. I am unemployed.

I need a job. I think that I could be a really could porno director. I will make storyboards./

OH YEAH BRITNEY has a new video for If U Seek Amy and I love it! I’ts totally Brit Brit hot and then it’s crazy at the end. EVERYONE WATCH THE FINS.

X. KELLY WILL BE ON SNL TOMORROW NIGHT EVERYONE WATCH IT NOW!!

But tomorrow, not now because it is not on.

Y. We tried to watch the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget and it was the funniest day of my life and then the satellite only on that channel stopped working and now I hate my life.

32. Tyra Banks

She is on TV and I approve but guess what I love Analeigh Tipton more! She is my favorite ANTM contestent of all time and Tyra was all like, “This is how you smile sexy,” *smiles normally* *Analeigh nods* “And this is how you smile non-sexily,” *smiles THE EXACT SAME WAY* *Analeigh looks confused but nods anyway because she is too sweet to be a bitch about Tyra being crazy* *ANALEIGH GETS KICKED OFF>?!* RUINED MY LIFE.

You guys Kelly Clarkson CD still going I don’t even know what to do with my liiiiiiiiiife!

53. TEETH.

I brushed my teeth like before a few minutes ago because I love my toothpaste and I brought it with me in my purse to part =y with my hoz tonight. I am worried that my wisdom teeth are going to come in! NOOES! I need them taken out. LET’S CUT THEM OUT TONIGHT!!

Spring break is crazy already. WTFGTFOOOMFC. Hey I have to watcha ll the award shoes so the bank will come back with my money bags, don’t you know.

54. Once in Ireland

No sheep ate grass INTERRUPTION: KELLY IS SINGING MY NEW FAV SONG INTERRUPTION OVER so the corn grew and my ancestors farmed the land and made potatos and eveyrone was happy and full of carbs, but F Adkins anyway! Bad for your brain.

55. I am afraid of scalp diseases/

Because I had this dream and it was the scariest thing of my LIFE> UGH NO!

56. The guy from Hamlet 2 (GREAT MOVIE) is in JUNGLE LIGHTNING but he just died forever.

57. I am done. This is boring.

Finally, a foot garment that will match EVERYTHING I own. My obsession with cerulean and lime green continues to be a blessing rather than a hindrance. But really, who told them to make those? I know that they were crafted specifically with me in mind. Don’t lie.

For those who aren’t aware, TOMS produces these nifty little shoes in a wide variety of colors and designs. For each pair sold, they donate a pair of shoes to a child in extreme poverty who would otherwise have none.

Poor kids aside, I love me some tie-dye!

 All you have to do is answer, “What are you doing right now?” Why must everyone fail so miserably at this? Below are some examples. Beneath them I’ve provided a way in which the person might not have sounded like an idiot.

John Brown Today was a good day.

John Brown had a good day today.

Jane White i don’t want to go to school!!

Jane White doesn’t want to go to school!!

John Brown why is there a dog in my house.

John Brown is wondering why a dog is in his house.

Jane White “So I’ll slit my wrists for the times we’ve missed and get long bangs for all the pangs in my hearrrrrt.”

Jane White is listening to shitty emo music.

John Brown is Red Sox game.

John Brown is watching the Red Sox game.

Jane White is The Office is on!

Jane White is too dumb to understand the best jokes in The Office but is watching it anyway!

John Brown is math test.

John Brown is probably failing his math test.

Obviously, none of this matters at all, but really, how difficult is it to construct an actual sentence?