Take It Off!

Today, SoulPancake has asked readers to compile a list of five things that they’d be willing to have one of their pinkie-toes chopped off for. Most of the responses that I read included things like world peace, a cure for cancer, happy children, etc. F that! Here’s mine.

1. To have Gabrielle Christian be my BFF.
I feel like no explanation is really needed.

2. The perfect job.
I would like some sort of career in which I can travel, [legally] cut people open, drink gratuitous amounts of grain alcohol and ICEEs, write some sort of funniness, stalk people, make dumb videos and cartoons, wear cardigans, and get paid handsomely in assloads of cash, so much so that I could hire people to clean each bill of said assloads.

3. A personal typist.
This would not be just your ordinary secretary. She would record everything I dictated to her 24/7. Writing a comedic memoir would be so mush easier this way. Maybe Gabrielle Christian could be the typist…?

4. A time machine.
I’m not talking about some shitty DeLorean. I mean an actual time traveling device. It’d probably come with custom solid gold 22s. Ballin!

5. A filet mignon so large that it could forever end world hunger for all the starving children around the globe.
…but bitches ain’t gettin’ any! Shoot, nigga, I’ma eat dat shit UP. Its freshness would have to be timeproof, etc. and I’d need several barrels of A1. Basically, what I’m getting at is that I’d like a really good steak every day for the rest of my life.

Well, there’s that. Feel free to post your own list as long as it’s not boring as hell like all the rest of them.