I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one

Since I’m done with my homework and every other website I frequent is either down or just effing up, here’s this. I had planned to aptly title it with a line from 21 Questions, but it just wouldn’t have been as nice. Oh, and this is meant to go on WordPress, but I’ll stick it on LJ, too, so Bkg has something to read.

 1. Why do I dress like a cartoon character?
I mean, it’s not that I look like a cartoon character. It’s just that I wear a different color cardigan with different color skinny jeans every day. Once on an episode of Doug, he opened his closet to reveal like twelve of the exact same outfit that he always wears. At age eight, I thought that that was comedy gold, and you know what? I still do.

2. Why did my school decide that it was okay to shut the water off for an entire night?
Seriously, WTF. There’s no water in any of the dorms or the university center because they’re rebuilding one of the fountains tonight? I’d love to shower, but how the fuck am I even supposed to accomplish the bare hygienic minimum of brushing my teeth? Why wasn’t this done last week when all of the students were gone for Spring Break? And why does no one else seem as pissed about it? FU, SU!

3. Why is there a scratch on my Handycam?
It’s not huge or anything, but still disappointing. Bkg, I think it was the disabled veteran from SD09.

4. Why does my computer keep freezing every time I try to overlap sound clips or trim video files?
I’m never going to finish Mad Liberty if I don’t get better software. I need a new job.

5. Why did I just find my passport inside a box of taffy from the Smoky Mountains?
…

6. Where are my cerulean and lime green checkered Vans?
This is freaking serious. Will die without.

7. Why’d you let me down again, Spielberg?
Today in Film & Fiction we did a screening of The Color Purple after having read the book by Alice Walker before SB. The lesbian relationship between Celie and Shug [perhaps the most important relationship in the entire book] was SO downplayed. Don’t get me wrong; I definitely didn’t want to see action between Whoopi Goldberg and Margaret Avery, but their relationship -physical and emotional- was so essential to Celie’s self-discovery and the development of her ownership of herself that without it, I felt that the entire point was lost. I mean, obvs this movie was made mid-eighties, blah blah blah, but come on. Thursday when we discuss it in class I’m sure that I will be pegged [once again] as the cynical, cardigan-wearing, Catholic [ha!] lesbian who’s pissed because she accidentally left her Tina Fey glasses at home. I love Baptist school!

8. Why does my RA think that it’s alright to be all up in my shizz?
She randomly came in and messed with everything on my bookshelf. O HAI, BTCH. Then she laughed for [literally] about five whole minutes because I keep my A1 sauce directly next to my Very Sexy perfume from Victoria’s Secret. WTF have you been? OLD JOKE. GTFO of my room. Kthxbye.

9. Am I seriously going to have a scar from my mystery UT burn?
UPDATE: I still don’t know WTF the burn on my thumb came from. I’ve made the incredibly [and painfully] long drive to Knoxville several times this semester, and once [I can't remember which time] I woke up with what looked like a cigarette burn at the base of my thumb…but I wasn’t around ANYONE who smokes. Of course, I don’t remember much of the night so who knows. I think that it was the same time I was afraid to sleep in the bed with Buddy because I was convinced that he would wake up and beat me. Major lolz. Anyway, I Neosporined the HELL out of it for weeks, but now I have a little pink circle there. It looks like a dimple. Upsetting.

10. Why am I Hgg?
Of course I know why I’m Hgg…because Hbb has been there since we were five! But why isn’t she Hbb nearly to the extent that I am Hgg? The world may never know.

None of this made sense. Or cents. Or dollars, for that matter.

Advertisement